| Goodbye |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|02:49 am] |
Mentor
Teacher
Provider
Advisor
Counselor
Son
Brother
Husband
Father.
Rest in Peace Robert John Danza. He was only 53 years old. |
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| My favorite day... |
[Feb. 14th, 2007|06:27 pm] |
February, Valentine's day, did my best to avoid the right cliches
so you dumped me on the subway on my way to work at 5 in the morning.
It is the lonliest day of the year, and I'm not just saying that either.
When you're alone in your room studying for a test the next day.
When you don't really have anyone special in your life.
When you're tired of different girls every weekend.
When you miss love like you do.
When you think of her.
When you remember.
When you sleep.
Happy Valentine's Day. I say it because somewhere out there is a woman I will love, I just haven't met her yet. I have no doubts about it, but it doesn't mean love is forgotten. I am a knight of infinite resignation, and I will always entertain the thought of loving her, even if she is beyond my reach forever.
Happy Valentine's Day, Love,
The Fool |
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| Gotta new favorite song. |
[Jan. 22nd, 2007|02:26 am] |
What are you doing the rest of your life?
North and South and East and West of your life
I have only one request of your life
That you spend it all with me
All the seasons and the times of your days
All the nickels and the dimes of your days
Let the reasons and the rhymes of your days
All begin and end with me
I want to see your face in every kind of light
In the fields of dawn and the forests of the night
And when you stand before the candles on a cake
Oh, let me be the one to hear the silent wish you make
Those tomorrows waiting deep in your eyes
In the world of love that you keep in your eyes
I'll awaken what's asleep in your eyes
It may take a kiss or two
Through all of my life
Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall of my life
All I ever will recall of my life
Is all of my life with you |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2006|06:48 pm] |
When a guy calls you,
he wants to be with you.
When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you...
When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong.
When a guy says, "I'm fine," after a few
minutes,
he means it.
When a guy stares at you,
he wishes you would care about him and
wonders if you do.
When you're laying your head on a guy's
chest,
he has the world.
When a guy calls you everyday,
he is in love.
When a (good) guy tells you he loves you,
he means it.
When a guy says he can't live without you,
he's with you till you're done.
When a guy says, "I miss you, "
he misses you more than you could have
ever missed him or anything else. |
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| Time's they are a changin' |
[Dec. 27th, 2006|05:19 pm] |
Fuck all of my previous posts. I have so much to be happy about. I guess being home for the holidays made it obvious. I have great friends, great family, a great brotherhood, a great education, a great football team (Chargers and Trojans), and a great outlook.
Grabbing life by the horns from now on. Start working for Paramount Pictures in the relative future. I'm going to meet a girl who I can connect with and sweep her off her feet, cause that's what I'm best at.
I can't dwell on the past, especially on past feelings. Gonna take it one day at a time and release the new me on the world.
Time for Plan B: Simply see what happens. |
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| I need your lovin', like the sunshine |
[Dec. 20th, 2006|07:34 pm] |
I'm home. Its boring. I'm alone. What else is there to say?
No one special to buy anything for. Nothing to expect from the holidays but the same thing I do when its not:
Lonliness.
Emptiness.
Hardship.
Stress.
Boredom.
Depression.
Longing.
Sadness.
Hopelessness.
Fear.
Doubt.
Incompitance.
But on top, I'll be confident, happy, realistic, and upbeat. Its the least I can do for Mom and Dad. They're going through enough as it is. No reason for me to burden them or anyone else with my problems.
I'll make it through the day with some help from Johnnie Walker Red... |
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| I'm sorry... |
[Nov. 24th, 2006|02:05 am] |
Its clear from the lack of response that I misread, or rather misunderstood something.
I know that she's gone. She's in love with somebody else. I just can't be a friend. Its not her fault. Its mine. I can't be in her life because I can't turn it off. I could never turn it off. I could never live a lie in that way. I don't know why I still write here. No one reads, leastways no one who understands me enough to help. I guess it has always been theraputic.
But even a live journal could never heal the wound in my heart that will bleed until it finally kills me. I know that when my life ends someday, the last thing I will think about, the last image I'll see, the last feeling I remember will be her. I will see her eyes. I will feel her love again, a love I know I will never find anywhere else. And I will think of her, and everything we got to share.
It was brief. Too brief. There is so much I always wanted to say, but as the cliche goes, my feelings were to potent, too strong to be communicated. I just wish I had a chance. I'm going to spend my life trying to invent a time machine, and all I will do with it is go back and tell myself to never let her go.
There is an old saying we all know. "Better to have loved and lost thank to have never loved at all."
Frankly, I disagree.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm stuck in limbo. She's all I want in the world, but I can never get her back. I don't believe in fate or any shit like that. But all paths in my life have always led to one, singular, inevitable conclusion. All roads lead to her. I've spent two years trying to convince myself that this isn't true, but its the only thing in my life that has always remained constant.
But I don't want to seem like a stalker. I don't want to overstep my boundaries as an x. I don't want her mom to talk to my mom about it anymore. I'm going to hold it in until I have an actual chance to act upon it.
And if that day never comes, if she gets married and has kids and can never love me again, then I will let it rot inside of me, until it destroys my ability to love another woman, because I don't want to love another woman, ever.
Call me stubborn, but that's life I suppose... |
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| But what happened?... |
[Nov. 23rd, 2006|01:36 am] |
I LOVED you
grey sweat pants, NO makeup, so PERFECT
Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I WANT YOU BACK...
and I will wait or follow, across the sea, or even to the moon and back... |
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| This is... |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|12:13 pm] |
the last time I'll try to reach you,
and my guess is you'll just ignore it, just ignore me
without a passing glance, without the slightest sigh
without it in your hands, without the softest cry...
Go your own way, I'll be with you
Make mistakes and I'll forgive you
Always waiting here for you when you return...
for the rest of my... |
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| I get it now... |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|11:25 am] |
I know what's missing. I know what is making me sad. I know what I need.
I miss her love. I feel like I'm dying without it. I need her.
But what can I do? She's moved on. She doesn't need me. She already found someone better.
I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had a time machine. I wish I could convince her that nobody's love is like mine.
It would be so unfair of me to call her and tell her these things. Its not my place to ruin her life. I wish she would read this, so that she would at least know that my heart belongs to her.
I wish I had one more chance to give it all up for her. Because I would. In the blink of an eye. I know now that there is no comparison, nothing or no one will ever fill the void. I've tried and I've tried to find a replacement, something or someone to fill the void in my heart. But nothing has worked. And now, at the end, the terrible truth reveals itself to me. I don't feel like I can ever love anyone else again. One person has my heart. Without hers, I'll be alone forever.
I miss her curly hair, her little toes, her beautiful skin, her insermountible beauty, her embrace, her kiss...I need my green eyes back... |
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| I'm getting really tired... |
[Oct. 15th, 2006|01:11 pm] |
...of being single. All the work. Partying. There is actually so much more that's expected of a person. I've always been the relationship type. That's the easy part. Its this game that sucks. I have to go to the gym all of the time to stay in shape. I have to go out all of the time and try to meet people, all while I maintain my academic and fraternal responsibilities.
The worst part is that I've figured it out. I just wish I could meet a nice, beautiful girl who is actually interested in a boyfriend. On this row up here in LA, its hard to say who you know and who you don't. As soon as you decide to trust someone with your feelings they completely blind side and backstab you. It is literally a jungle.
The single thing was fun for a while, but now I'm just tired of it. But I can't go looking for a relationship. That's the worst thing anyone could do. I guess I'll just have to wait for a girl to come along, and hopefully fate will take care of the rest.
However I can't fall into the slump I fell into last year. I need to have fun for my own sake. And I love my friends. For now, they fill the void, cause someone is always there. But when I'm tired, alone, and maybe even sad, times like when I go to bed and my mind runs away with me, it would be nice to have someone there, laying next to me.
I miss love. Its like your drivers license or cell phone; before you had it, it wasn't that big of a deal, but once you get it, you can't live without it. So I'll play the part of the fun loving, nothing on his mind, excessively drunk frat guy with an obvious tendency towards sincerity, responsibility, and all of the other relationship qualities you can think of. It takes one to meet someone (fun) and one to connect with her (real).
I guess I'll keep trying without acting like I'm trying. For now, its Sunday, which means we've got the Jimmy Beam, Jimmy Dean Whiskey & Sausage HorseShoe Classic at the house. Should be a blast. |
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| I feel old. |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|01:14 am] |
I've been through much in the past six months of my life. I turned 21. It makes me feel older than any birthday ever has. Now come responsibilities, committment, and occupation. The times that I've spoken of with lofty hopes and distant thoughts are suddenly right on my doorstep.
I feel like my whole life, everything I've worked for, all of the friends I've met, all the places I've seen, all of the people I've hurt and all of the people who have hurt me have led me towards a point in my life that I am about to reach.
There are rough times ahead and I know it. More than anything my situation with my family right now is making me feel like I have to grow into a man much sooner than I thought I would have too. Everything seems to lead to today, and it feels that way everyday.
I'm astonished by how good things can be at one time, and how sad they can be at the same time. I love my friends so much, I'm having an amazing time here. School is better than it ever has been. The fraternity is moving forward. I'm looking at straight A's. I'm planning a semester abroad with my best friend Andy.
We plan on doing the semester at sea our final spring in school. It begins in the Bahamas, we sail to Brazil, then cross the Atlantic to Cape Town South Africa. From there we climb the Pacific coast of Africa, and up into the North stopping in Morroco, Algeria, and Cairo Egypt. From there the ship sails to Israel, Greece, Italy, and finally ends in Marseilles. The ship sails home from Southern France to New York City.
This trip is going to change my life. I'm going to see nearly the whole world I want to see. When the ship stops in a city we spend 1-2 weeks studying at the local university.
And yet, something weighs heavily on my heart everyday. I don't know what it is, but I'm afraid of what it might be. Its the same feeling I've felt for the past year and a half. That's what I'm afraid of. Something has been missing, absent in my life. Something I am yet to find. Something I fear I can never replace. That's why this trip is so important to me. I feel I will learn lessons about myself, I feel I can fill the void that exists and continue my life and come back and be the man I've expected myself to be my whole life.
I am 21 and I have loved and lost. My family is deep in a troubling period of our life together. But I am me. I exist in whole and in part as my own person now. I've moved away from home. My parents got me here, and very soon I will truly be on my own. It is an interesting and humble feeling.
I'm thrilled because I have no idea what is going to happen. In high school I knew I was headed for a good school, but I never made concrete plans after that. I knew it would be best to wait. To grow up and decide the direction my life would take. I am truly on the threshold of the rest of my life...and I have no idea what's going to happen.
What a thrill. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2006|10:39 am] |
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But the truth is... that I miss you. |
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| 21 right? |
[Sep. 17th, 2006|07:46 pm] |
I hate birthdays. I've spent this one just like the others: alone.
No one is even willing to go to dinner with me. Friends like these huh?
Fuck birthdays. I've got nothing to celebrate in my life right now.
Fuck depression. Fuck expectations. But most of all, fuck this. |
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| Fill in the blanks... |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|01:20 pm] |
However far away I will always ____ ___
However long I stay I will always ____ ___
Whatever words I say I will always ____ ___ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2006|09:46 pm] |
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There are Mother Fuckin' Snakes on the Mother Fuckin' Plane |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2006|10:08 pm] |
I miss Jess a lot. She comes home this weekend and the feeling that she's coming back has made me so excited. I've been smiling for the first time in a long time. Its even giving me a second wind at work. I was getting really tired of it, but its work, money, necessary. No big deal.
Anyways, I got some awful news from her. The workers of Iberia Airlines have gone on strike. Well, that happens to be the airline she takes from Madrid to New York City. So, her flight is cancelled, which means she is going to get in late Saturday or early Sunday. She said there's a possibility they may leave Europe earlier and even get in earlier than she was going to on Saturday, which would be awesome.
It made me so sad to think that I might have to wait another day to see her. Its putting everything into perspective even more. I miss her a lot. I'm gonna pick her up and twirl her around and kiss her when I finally see her. I just hope it feels the same, but I sort of know it will. |
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| I hope that I'm not... |
[Jul. 7th, 2006|05:20 pm] |
...revealing too much.
Please don't allow your voice to fade
Don't fall so weak to fault or blame
To give yourself reason for an end
And at the end of your road you pin my shoulders against the mattress
Arching your frame with your stomach pushed outward
Your head titling back with your mouth partially open
The sounds slur and elevate slowly in volume
When you wake up with your family gathered around
Remember that our love was true
And I will not allow you to destroy this
And I hope that I'm not revealing too much. |
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| What th Fuck |
[Jun. 30th, 2006|01:11 pm] |
You know what's fun? When you finally take apart this box FULL of your shit that your mom put so much of your stuff in, only to discover that when you were purging your life of remnants of your last relationship, you missed some stuff... a lot of stuff... and guess where all of it is? In the mother fucking box.
I found an old CD she gave me last summer: The Honorary Title. Great music, lots of lashing out at bitches that break your heart because its fun for them.
Then the reading, and the looking at old pictures. I read one letter, written on an American Eagle Outfitters receipt and one card she had given me and that was quite enough. Full of empty words like "love" "forever" "mine" "to the moon and back". Hmmmmmmmm smells like BULLSHIT.
I'm so pissed because I was so stupid. I mean, everything I have going now that is so wonderful she was just holding me back from because... well... I still don't understand why she never wanted me to have fun at school and make friends and be happy. Guess that was lasting proof that love is a word she throws around like its nobody's business.
At least its all over though. I got a CD out of it. I still kind of like it. They opened for Minus the Bear when we went with Tony Gibson and Brian Shearer. It was fun. I'm so glad that its all finally in the garbage. She had the gall to contact me a few days ago. "Your Dad is going to be fine". Who the fuck says that. She's not here, doesn't see the pain and the suffering and the GIVING UP. She's not a doctor (HAHA) she has no idea what the circumstances, choices, or feelings are, and in her boundless arrogance thinking that she's somehow supporting someone who didn't ask her to she says "he's going to be fine". What the fuck?
Thank god for Jessica. She's the best thing for me right now. She finally comes back in only 2 weeks. Cannot explain my excitement. Same drill. I hope she's not too tired because its my turn to take her out. She supports me so much. She and her friends in Spain have been praying in the cathedrals and groups. Whatever your religious affiliations, some good can come out of it sometimes. She'll never understand what a few comforting words do for me.
But anyways, the box is unpacked. The pictures and letters are in the trash. Its finally done and thank god, because I mean, I'm over it, all of it, but nostalgia can bring back old feelings, so I'm typing them here. She's the worst mistake I have ever made in my entire life. A walking talking mistake. And I will never make it again. |
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| why... |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|02:06 am] |
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be |
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